Kinds of Honey

The dogs are wrestling in the middle of the floor. I have Peace Like A River propped open on my right, next to Miss T’s leash, next to an almost-done scarf, on top of my favorite quilt, on top of the puppy’s kennel. On my left are two sweaters that got stripped off at some point yesterday, the hot day, the non-January day. And I am in the middle of these things, in sweats, in need of a shower, lingering yet with my half-drank cup of coffee.

This is a Friday when I am fending off anxiety. What is to come? Where I will live in February is undetermined. How I will pay my bills is uncertain. Transition, again, stares me in the face. Such is life for this girl, and has been for a long time. Partly my own fault, partly just the way things have happened.

But what unfolds in the next few weeks may interrupt this pattern. There may be settledness at last. I must say that I have found it a strengthening thing to fly by the seat of my pants. The years from high school graduation until now have brought about a series of events to cure shyness and timidity. They have drawn out bravery, confidence, and risk-taking, or at least sometimes the appearance of these things. There is truth to the statement Fake it till you make it. I am that proof, for I have pretended to be outgoing, unafraid, and competent so often when inside I was quivering with fear, until somewhere the pretending became reality. And with that, a bit of surprise at one’s self – and a bit of satisfaction.

Still, I have my moments of anxiety, of trepidation, of simply being tired. My life doesn’t look like so many others along the American timeline, and there are those who would criticize me for it. And I can criticize myself for it, but then, what good does that do? Every step along the way offers a chance to learn. Every place and position presents a chance for living one’s beliefs. These are small but important victories.

Today. It is today. The tomorrows will come, one after another, and I will work through the decisions they present as I always have, and I will hope to make the right choices – or if I make the wrong ones, that somehow they work around towards being the right ones.

Breathe deep, self. To the rest of you – stay tuned! Interesting things are sure to happen.