On a farm in Dordogne
November 8, 2011 § Leave a comment
Any of you who know me well are aware of my love for France. I could go on and on! But rather than do that (again) here, I just wanted to share a France-focused web magazine with you – and my article they just published about one of the places I stayed and worked as a WWOOF volunteer in the spring of 2010.
On the Farm: WWOOFing in Dordogne
I will go back one day!
Something beautiful, indeed
November 5, 2011 § 1 Comment
I’m sitting at the table, making this a long morning, comfy in snowboots and a sweater. Dried flowers stand in a jar. My dog occasionally comes over to look at me with eyes pleading for a walk in the sunny outdoors. My hair is a mess, but I don’t feel like brushing it. I’ve got at least an hour’s worth of edits to make on this novel – dull but necessary changes to make before it can be published, before I can move on to the creative fun of another. As I work, options about the future, and the problems and promises of the present, keep floating in and out of my mind. And it is the perfect time for this song and its video. I don’t know what it is about needtobreathe, but their music tends to mend a little bit of my heart whenever I listen.
It seems like we humans want to have causes. Something to latch onto, to drive us forward, to give us purpose. One of those, for many of us, is to make and share and discover beauty. Here’s one of my routes to finding it:
Searching for what to be
November 2, 2011 § 2 Comments
The snow is back, but my camera is still on the fritz. Sigh.
I wish I had more to share with you, pictures of this frosty wonderland, and how everything melts. The mud. The wet gloves. The things we are wearing and eating and drinking to keep warm.
But I suppose we have plenty of winter to come. And once I have more employment I might buy a new camera and there will be photos again! (This blog misses them, don’t you think?)
I am spending hours on the computer on the days that I am home, searching for short-term part-time jobs and long-term full-time jobs. This is a stressful thing, and not at all something that makes one feel good about oneself, unless, unlike me, you had a perfectly direct route from high school graduation through college and into the work force and a viable career. Mine has been winding, very, and I have learned a lot and seen a lot and am so grateful for a lot. I have collected experiences like coins in a bank, to be gathered and treasured and drawn upon when needed, and even though they haven’t exactly built upon each other systematically, or traditionally, as some do – I believe they will ultimately come together towards just the right purpose (or even more than one purpose, at the same time, or perhaps one after another). I even think I have a pretty good hunch about what that might be.
But it is sometimes hard to remember that, while sifting through the possible roles other people would like to have someone – possibly or possibly not me – play. Am I that person they seek? Have I build up the right amount of experience in the right way? And whether I have or I haven’t, can I show them that I can be that person anyway? The more I wade through these questions the more the doubts arise. The doubter begins to self-critique, not very nicely, and then the self-defensive cynic steps in and begins to wrestle with self-critical doubter. (Neither of these selves is my favorite.) I can’t help but look at where I am compared to others, and to question what I am doing with my life, and then how easy it becomes to look back at the series of suddenly very wrong steps. But they didn’t often feel wrong at the time, and from another perspective at another time they have seemed to, and hopefully will again, look right.
It doesn’t do much good to blame the big bad world or your sorry little soul. You can only do the best you can in the moment you have, with the information you have. Trust yourself, move forward, seek out the best that the world has to offer and the best that you can be in it, for the time being, where you are . . . and eventually, where you will be.
Optimism and perseverance – these are the things I shall be stubborn about maintaining. I’ll hold them tightly while searching jobs and sending out resumes, and in the times that I’m not doing this papery footwork, I will be wise to go sit in some quiet open space and fall into the relief of prayer. To remember that as hard as I work I don’t have to take care of myself all alone.
Betwixt the seasons
October 30, 2011 § 3 Comments
A few days ago T. and I were walking through inches of snow at the lake. My feet were cold in my boots despite two pairs of wool socks. My fingers were cold in their insufficient cotton-knit gloves. (I have better ones, but I couldn’t find them, so don’t worry – I know well the importance of equipping oneself for the weather!) I could see my breath. The lake lie so still, all silver-gray. It didn’t invite swimmers, except for the water birds way out in the middle, black and gliding slowly, slowly.
Everything seemed white, or close to it, even the sky, and this somehow made the space all come together into one winter scene that my dog and I could step into. Snow harmonizes things, I think; in tossing itself over all the other textures and colors out there it makes the world coordinate, with a kind of Scandinavian simplicity. It gathers everything under one blanket. Yet – not quite buried in that heavy snowfall – there were the trees, their leaves like a joyful shout. The leaves, though they had been suddenly frozen, held onto their bright color, and how stunning were the reds and yellows against that canvas of whites and grays.
Even with my cold toes and fingers I kept wanting to stay here, to walk farther, at a pace that let me just be even as I moved. To notice the shape of the snow on the maple leaf, the thick lining on tree branches. You could look across the calm of the lake and there, one, two aspens gold as daffodils, asking for your notice, and you couldn’t help admiring them. We ducked beneath bending limbs, maneuvered around a fallen pine, peered through the trunks of cottonwoods. T. chased her orange tennis ball through the powder and came running back with bright brown eyes. She loves the snow, too. Home we went to the fireplace and cider.
And today? Today we wandered a trail not quiet but well-traversed by families, couples, people with dogs. The same lake, a different day. A hot sun. Trees that have dropped most of their leaves, and some of their branches, thanks to that shock of heavy, cold snow. I had put on my wellies and a vest and grabbed a couple of tennis balls, and once we got out there I threw them again and again into the water that seemed not at all still, not at all wintery, but just right for a retriever’s entertainment. I wandered in along the shoreline, balanced on rocks to walk as far as I could out towards the center, without letting the water spill into my boots. (I overestimated and got my right foot soaked, but you know, it wasn’t even chilly enough to matter.) We kept going farther, past the lake to get to the reservoir, and once we got far enough down the shoreline we managed to escape everyone else.
I pulled off my boots and socks and wiggled my bare toes under the sun. Miss T. went back and forth, in the water and out, sniffing the ground, rolling around on her back to get a thorough scratching from the grasses and twigs between the trees. The sun shone in my eyes. I stretched out onto my back and wondered how in the world this was the same place as it had been earlier in the week.
We are walking between fall and winter, and I expect we might for the next few weeks. Red leaves cover the grass outside my apartment, but Wednesday is planning to bring more snow to cover them. The back seat of my car contains almost every jacket, coat, and pair of gloves that I own; you can’t always quite know what you might need and I’d best be ready. I start days with five layers and get to the middle wearing only one. Other days – like yesterday’s windy, gray market – I wear two and wish for more, and stamp my feet, and wonder why I left the scarf behind, and if I ought to spend the money to have wool-lined boots that look like shoes, to keep my overly-sensitive-to-cold toes warm on days when i don’t want to be clomping around in my big (though splendidly warm) Sorels. It is a guessing game, to be aided by weather.com.
Honestly, I feel a bit spoiled. I love both of these seasons. How lucky to have them both for awhile.
A concert for the cows
October 27, 2011 § Leave a comment
Silly . . . but amusing! Especially if you happen to like jazz, cows, and France. Which I do.
Snow Day!
October 26, 2011 § Leave a comment
The snow fell in heaps! Small flakes are still moving in an unassuming, steady drift down to the ground, where they gather one after another to make piles worthy of boots and snowplows. The red maples and yellow aspens wear white cloaks, now – what a contrast the colors make! And the ornamental apple tree a few feet from my patio looks positively festive, all red and silver and frosty, boughs bent in arches towards the ground. I keep spontaneously wanting to sing Christmas carols, but it is still far too early for that.
T. and I dashed about a bit in the snow, less than she would like, as I was lazy and cozy and not as productive as I ought to have been with all my free time (but it is my day off, isn’t it?). While we were out in the yard I looked over to see that the roads are clear, which is a good thing, as I am about to make my way to the horse barn to find out how my hoofed friends have been handling the day, and to warm them up with hay and grain. I think I will tote Miss T. along with me to hang out until we’re done getting everyone fed . . . and then we might go over to see what the lake looks like all snowed upon.
If I had my camera, I would show you. Instead I might have to resort to words. Funny to think how long I relied upon words only to convey an image, and how quickly it became natural to snap the shot instead. Maybe this is a good challenge, to leave the camera alone for awhile, to sharpen up the pen just a bit.
I hope you are all enjoying your Wednesdays, whether snow-deep or Indian summer warm or on the drizzly-and-dreary side. Have a spot of tea as the day winds down. And lift that steaming cup, mug, or jar to the world and its weather.
(Incidentally: for those of you who, like me, think it’s great to drink out of Mason jars, you’ve got to check this out: one of my favorite blogs is Cold Antler Farm, and Jenna, the author/farmer, is hosting a pretty creative contest. I’m not convinced I’ve got the skills necessary to enter, but some of you might have!)
First taste of winter
October 25, 2011 § Leave a comment
At the farm we harvested everything we could today, the last-chance grab at saving what we might before the weather overtakes the rest. The fields look bare, but the shed is full of tomatoes, peppers, kohlrabi, eggplant, fennel, celery, collards, chard, even some cosmos and cornflower.
At the horse barn we blanketed nearly all the horses as the blue-gray gathered in the west. The barn manager and a few boarders came out to help us – oh, the blessing of extra hands! The day’s sunny afternoon had turned to rainy evening and it was important to quickly have everyone covered so that they’d be dry when the real cold blew in.
And just now, after listening to a few hours of drizzle, I stepped onto the patio and saw the first snowflakes. I had heard they wouldn’t fall until midnight, but I know that swirl beneath the streetlight. That is snow.
Cold will settle into this region all day tomorrow. Fortunately I get to stay inside most of the day. Job hunting, writing, editing, planning with the company of my dog and my roommate’s new nine-week-old puppy. 6-12 inches is supposed to come, and I imagine I’ll keep doing double-takes as I look out the window. We shall see; sometimes they are wrong.
But if they are right, this is the best day of the week for the first snow in my little world. The day I get to work and rest and play on my time. The day I might take a few minutes to run outside and remember the fun of the first snowfall. Warmth is supposed to return to the Front Range soon after this day-and-a-half of blustery weather, so I imagine everything will melt away quickly. No matter. Enjoy what you have in the moment you have it, I say.
So right at this moment: I am enjoying the little puppy sleeping beside me. A comfortable sweater. A blue mug. And the restful feeling of a quiet evening, after a hard-work day, with no alarm clock to be set for the following morning.
Catch this breath
October 24, 2011 § 2 Comments
Yellow against a blue sky. Fall out here is mostly yellow with a few dashes of red. I am thrilled with the fiery maples outside my apartment, like red candle flames flickering in the wind. The wind hasn’t blown them out. Yet. But already small leaves lie in the grass, and more will follow, one after another, as always, as the seasons fulfill themselves.
This week’s fall happinesses: Orange spice black tea. Maple syrup popcorn balls. Pumpkins, big and small, orange and white, smooth and bumpy. A warm mug of coffee in cold morning hands. My caramel-golden dog in the afternoon light, her coat complementing the fall colors as if she belongs with them, and so she does.
This is a passing moment. Such a beloved season of the year for so many people, including me, and I keep thinking about how I’ve got to take a picture of this tree, that barn, this week – or the season’s colors and textures might be gone. I am having camera troubles again – a new one may need to be on the Christmas list this year, or baby brother might need to have a look at this one the next time that I get to see him. Meanwhile it is instinctive for me to want to stop and get a shot, and frustrating to be unable to. And yet, can I turn this around and make it a good thing? Yes. I can pause a moment longer not for a photograph but for me. To notice with my own eyes, to linger to find the details, to take the time to capture these things not in a digital form but in my memory.
Yesterday Miss T. and I stopped by Coot Lake, just before sunset faded into twilight. The water looked deep blue in the shade, but in the open its peaks were lit white by the sun. A flock of ducks floated around near the shore, black silhouettes under the glowing leaves. We walked a path of gold and red, beneath arching limbs, and everything felt at once lit-up and cloaked in shadow.
The path takes you down to the reservoir, and T. and I skidded down the side of a slope and meandered through the drained, patterned surface where the water had receded. Far from the water the ground had already turned crusty, forming a series of solid little bumps and ridges. Closer to the water the ground became mud, also rippled but interrupted with a few trails of paw prints. Light rested on the surface of the water, making it silvery-white with the intensity of the low sun, just about to dip behind the mountains. A flock of geese lingered beyond, their necks long and graceful and black, their wings folded against their bodies as they floated in one group. Miss T. glanced at them, skipped a few feet in the water, watched as they lifted off to settle a few yards further from her, the potential predator.
The dog came back to sidle past me with her tennis ball, her eyes meeting mine all dark and glad. I tell myself this is why I need to bring her out to run and play more often. She is an animal, and though I am terribly glad she is my domesticated darling, it is good that she has a few moments of freedom, a few more sniffs at what is wild. I know I need this. These are evenings of remembering what to connect to. Where we are from.
The weather websites are predicting snow for Wednesday. Everyone speaks caution, prepares for changes in routine. I love snow and am not generally growly upon winter’s arrival – I tend to open my wool-clad arms and mittened hands to it! But the fall of these past two weeks has been so perfect, just absolutely what one wishes for, and I feel the need to cling to it for awhile.
It feels like I’m holding my breath. Stay. Stay, just a little longer.
Today and tomorrow
October 18, 2011 § Leave a comment
Today has been a perfect fall day. The kind where you put on and take off layers depending on how much wind there is, and whether you happen to be in the sun or the shade. T and I lingered outside this long morning, while I browsed jobs online and entertained dreams and occasionally tossed her orange tennis ball. The light was just like fall light ought to be.
The farm is winding down, and quickly. Several frosts have come, and plants are beginning to die. I might have flowers to take to the market this week, and I might not. But there are shelves full of all kinds of varieties of pumpkins and squash, and bunches of cornstalks for sale at the farm stand. Afternoons we will cut down finished plants and shell dried beans. I have small plates and container lids spread out on the counter, drying seed. In the evenings I soak in the bathtub and circle vegetable and fruit and flower varieties from the Seed Savers Exchange catalogue with a Sharpie marker, already excited for next year.
But today, this perfect day, I need to remember what comes before the next farm season. I’m filling out application forms for temporary Christmas jobs (admittedly I actually kind of enjoy retail – it’s fun helping people find just the right thing, especially during this cheery holiday time, and the fast pace makes the days go quickly). I’m looking for full-time jobs that might start after that, ideally ones that I can do during the day while putting together plans for my own farm. I’m sometimes anxious. I’m mostly calm. Even struggle and change and waiting can produce a fine harvest. I wonder what winter will bring? And next year? Oh, today. One of those days where you juggle loving the present with hopes for the future.
From reservation to boarding school
October 12, 2011 § Leave a comment
My first new-library-card book checkout has turned out to be a success. (No wanting to throw the book across the room because the writing style is so dreadful or the characters so stereotyped. Hooray!) Linda LeGarde Grover’s short story collection, The Dance Boots keeps me coming back, to be inside the world she creates, to try and know its inhabitants. Grover writes prose with a strong poetic quality, her lines rhythmic and her images rich. The voice changes subtly, but enough, as different characters narrate their stories. And her characters are vulnerable, strong, complex. You want to know them. A few times I did get a little confused as to where we were in time and who happened to be narrating, as the scenes frequently jump, but that’s my only complaint – and may not be an issue for readers with less of a tendency to daydream! If you’re looking for a primarily plot-driven book, this isn’t the one. If you’re looking for a book that explores the human experience – particularly, the influence of Indian schools and white culture on the Ojibwe of Northern Minnesota – this is one you’ll want to be sure to get your hands on.
Here’s an excerpt:
And mother was beautiful – the sum of all she was, was beauty. In her white low-waisted dress with the embroidery down the left side of the skirt. In the dress she wore to powwows, black cotton with red tape trim, cones rolled from snuff can covers sewn on the hem, the pleasant jingle they made as she walked and as she danced next to her dear friend Lisette, off to the side of the powwow circle, swiveling slowly, nine steps left, nine steps right. Lisette, she was called, and Mother was called Shonnud. Lisette was a maple tree, strong and stately, Shonnud an aspen that trembled to the music that moved the still air.
. . . Their dancing was hard work, controlled, disciplined, and prayerful; their calves were trim and very firm from this dancing, their feet muscular. And I watched them and waited for the day that I would be a young lady in a black dress and beaded jacket, waited and watched them dance as they had since they were young ladies, Shonnud and Lisette dancing side by side, dipping gracefully in a rhythm deeper in the hearts and souls of women than the drumbeat. (Grover 93-94)
The book won the Flannery O’Connor Award for Short Fiction, which is placed in such small print on the cover I didn’t even notice until a moment ago. This is encouraging – see, I do have good taste! More seriously, I am just encouraged by happening upon writing that insists upon being art, not just entertainment. Writing that reads naturally, that masks the effort put into the work. Like a ballet.
