Bouts of Rain

November 10, 2012 § 2 Comments

I woke to heavy rain in the middle of the night. Well, early morning, really. The late evening hours had dragged into midnight and when at last I stumbled upstairs I lay in my bed surrounded by all the dark of loneliness. My poor dog, my faithful companion, is getting arthritic in the evenings, so I hadn’t urged her to walk up the stairs. I didn’t want to hear her whimper. It is always odd not having her there, though, the warm body of a creature who cares for me. My gratitude for dogs really cannot be expressed. Dogs love so willingly.

The rain wasn’t falling then, in the minutes of thought on my pillow, imaginings of another life with more people in it, more dogs, perhaps, and a horse or two. Daydreams can be a solace but at the times when they collide with the very reality of reality they can be horrid, a painful contrast, a look at what can’t be compared with what is. We all have these times, don’t we? When what’s good in our lives fades, and can’t be seen in the pressing gray of disappointments, and we are too tired to fight against the way we feel, and part of it is that we want the right to feel this way, after all.

In between sleeping and waking the rain started, pushed by wind, seemingly in fits and starts, heavy and light. The dog whined at the bottom of the stairs, so I went and got her, and felt glad for her. She snuggled up next to me and then, warm in the fleece and down, I wondered if the rabbits were sheltered enough. I dreamed of one of them chewing through his cage and escaping. I woke and thought perhaps they really ought to have more to protect them from the rain, but it was late/early and that rain fell heavy. I thought about it and then the rain subsided a little and feeling like a guilty, lazy person I pulled on muck boots over my pajamas, strapped on a headlamp, and went out into the eery blue. My plucky rabbits stood up on their hind legs to see me, and the two I had worried about were more damp than they should be. I propped wood against and over their cages and gave them little strokes on the forehead. “Poor darlings.” Though it wasn’t that cold. Thank goodness.

Back upstairs. Back to bed. In the slow morning the neighbor dog came over with her joyful wriggle of being. I started a fire. Put on the coffee. Watched the dogs play in their mouthy way. Decided I would write, because that is part of who I am, a part I can have some level of control over, no matter where I live or what I do or how I feel.

So then. So it is. Almost always, when I make the space to write, I can feel my very self start to settle, to orient itself within the tumble of this world. Writing, before it became a discipline, a major, a career move – before all that, writing came from a little girl’s instinct, a sort of unspoken and unidentified sense that this was something I could and must do. Pen in hand, fingertips on a keyboard, images becoming words becoming story – here is one of the ways that I remember who I am. Here is a partial fulfillment of the person a Very Good Creator made me to be. Yet without pressure; pressure gets pushed aside, and perfection is not the point, or the goal, or the reason why. Here I find my old, hopeful self. Reminding me: Do your gift. And keep dreaming. Bring as many dreams into reality as you can.

Score

September 17, 2012 § Leave a comment

Jar of honey. Cutting board. Hand-picked (by me!) Haralson apples from Whistling Well Farm. And homemade vanilla from my sister and John. Happy kitchen.

Boats & boulders

September 12, 2012 § Leave a comment

We decided to canoe the St. Croix River. My sister, her husband, me, and my best friend. This river keeps drawing me back to where it winds between two of the Upper Midwest’s finest states, Minnesota and Wisconsin. As states go, you might call these two frenemies. Football fiercely divides us. Yet we are variations on a theme.

The small towns here in Wisconsin remind me so much of my Minnesota childhood. The geography of hills and trees, water, woods, and farmland – it’s the same. The snowmobiles. The jetskis. The shabby cafes, the corner gas stations that also sell bait, and the Dairy Queen in every town. Rows of cabins along lakes. Small golf courses. Many small churches and their faithful parishioners. There is one such church across the street. I listen to the bells.

The St. Croix makes for a happy meeting place for me and my Minnesota-dwelling favorite people. So. We found ourselves in canoes on the water.

We love boats.

A small island in the middle of the water simply had to be explored.

Chats with friends in nature are always welcome.

Canoe trips in general are welcome.

I wasn’t ready to be done. Next time, I want to camp overnight somewhere amidst evergreens and stars and the hooting and howling of wild creatures.

Instead, while the other three headed back to the Cities, I wandered around the boulders and potholes on the Minnesota side of Interstates Park.

Creepy.

Then I found a spot on a rock where the river view and the light were just right. I sat there and thought. I read. I journaled. I prayed. I let my spirit get all settled, and the day wound down.

As it should.

Washington Island

August 12, 2012 § 2 Comments

I don’t remember that I ever felt especially excited about islands. I gave them a fair level of fascination, from books such as Five Have A Mystery to Solve and of course all of the Anne of Green Gables series. But I grew up in spaces where the land stretched wide away from us, and a far horizon of earth greeting sky was the view to admire, as we watched storms and sunsets and the overwhelming blue of summer.

My father would say, and I would agree with him, that living on an island must make a person feel bound, with the land running out so quickly, cut off by water. Islands had an element of fear, in one’s inability to escape the small society they compelled. No, thank you, I thought. I may visit islands, but I wanted to live where I could ride my horse for miles and miles and miles; where I might get up one day and go as far as I please, and see where I end up.

Oh, but then.

Never say never. Life tends to turn one’s decidedness on its head (or, at least, mine does!). On our Door County adventure, we took a day trip to Washington Island, which is just off the tip of the peninsula, and now I am enchanted with islands, and that one especially.

The island is 23.5 square miles, and while tourism is its main industry (having overtaken fishing and agriculture) it still has a calm, even sleepy feel to it. The houses are primarily older and either cabin or farmhouse or gingerbread in style. There are docks and boats, of course; there’s a fantastic fiber shop/school, and a gathering place called Fiddler’s Green where artists and locals get together, especially in winter, to talk and be and do life in a way that recognizes their interdependence.

One of our first delights was a remarkable wooden church, called Stavkirke, which seems like it fell out of a fairytale. Behind it a prayer path meanders through the woods. We would miss church on Sunday so this gave us a moment of grounding in our faith. Reflection. I spoke blessing over family, and gratitude for this place, softly, but nonetheless with reverence. I think J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis would approve.

We visited an older couple on their Scandinavian horse farm, featuring Gotlands and Icelandic ponies and a Fjord. The couple was quiet and kind and their horses were spunky and beautiful. They had a big white dog that looked like a Great Pyrenees, but wasn’t, and an affectionate black cat, and splendidly colored roosters and chickens, and chattery, cheerful ducks. I think this couple, and me, we are cut from the same cloth. This was just the start; as the day went on I began to feel as if this island was full of what Anne Shirley would call kindred spirits. It seemed as if I had discovered a mini, U.S. version of Anne’s beloved P.E.I. I skipped alongside my mother and told her so, and she laughed, and nodded.

For lunch we ate at a cafe run by a Methodist minister with six adopted children and a kayak museum in the back, displaying evidence of her days as a fairly renowned expedition kayaker. If one were to live here, I thought, what other sorts of people would one run into? What draws a person to a quiet island, a half-hour’s ferry ride away from shore? But I knew. The franticness of the rest of American society seemed . . . distant. It didn’t belong here, and it felt farther away than a boat trip past Death’s Door, the watery passage where many a boat has succumbed to the intensity of Lake Michigan funneling into the Green Bay. This is a place for refuge-seekers.

Somewhere in the middle of the island we climbed a tower, to get a view of the farmland interspersed between the trees, and the water in the distance. And there is a Farm Museum, with a lovely barn and all sorts of old implements, snowshoes for horses, old churns and tool sharpeners, memories of a life I sometimes wish I might have lived, and sometimes think I might still.

“Just think,” I said to my father, “for Grandpa, this isn’t really history. Not like it is for us; this was normal life, a lot of it.” My grandfather has been gone for twelve years, but I am still fascinated with his life, a boyhood throughout the 1920s and a teenager during the Depression, a young man during World War II who had to stay home and farm his Dakota land. He ran a team of horses but saw the changes through the 40s and 50s, the rise of the tractor and chemicals and farms getting bigger and bigger. If he can see us from heaven, which I kind of suspect he can, I wonder what he thinks now. Of how agriculture is going, and how his stubborn granddaughter believes, in many ways, that going “backward” is going forward.

After a visit to the little Nautical Museum we needed to go back to the ferry, so we might get back to the mainland for ice cream and a swim. I wasn’t quite ready. And to think we almost didn’t go to the island in the first place! I hope it can stay as it is for a good long time. I hope I can go back again soon.

*Thanks to Kim & Elena Romkema again for many of these pictures, as my camera decided to hit the dust! There was so much more I wish I could have captured from this trip . . . guess there will need to be another!

Towards adventure

August 10, 2012 § Leave a comment

Yes, we did happen upon this boat at the Egg Harbor Marina only moments after I had made up my mind to own a sailboat someday.

Isn’t she gorgeous? The red is so striking. The lines are so clean and pretty. The boat props up that “For Sale” sign like an invitation towards adventure. But the timing! The timing is not right.

I feel about this boat very much like I felt about a gray Percheron I met at a horse auction I went to while I was still a college student. The horse was positioned near the door so as I went in and out I kept walking past him, and I kept stopping to say hello, and even though I was more interested in a riding horse something about this boy made me feel like the universe wanted me to have him. Then someone came and told me the horse was being sold because his partner had died, and I wanted him more than ever. It was like everything around me was pressing in and trying to say, without saying it, This ought to be.

The horse did not come home with me, but I have remembered that moment even after all this time, always with a bit of sadness, and a bit of a sense of loss. But why? I have seen many a horse I couldn’t have. This felt different from simply wanting.

I have to wonder: are such moments times when one’s fate is at a crossroads? When you get to play a hand in shaping your destiny? Is the universe trying to help you know which path leads towards your best bliss? Or is it simply imagination, fanciful desires of what might be? I want to believe it to be something beyond my own self, but then, if I ever conclude that it is, and if I ever take the seemingly unreasonable and impulsive risk, do I have the courage to ride out the consequences, unpredictable as they may be?

Door County, Wisconsin

August 9, 2012 § 12 Comments

I am drawn by the water. It stretches far away and it is fresh.

Suddenly having a boat seems the most desirable thing in the world. I imagine living on one. I imagine loving it. I remember the book A Severe Mercy and the boat The Gray Goose, and consider what a wonderful thing it sounds, a life of sailing everywhere and reading out in the open water and knowing the wind and many shorelines.

On the Door County peninsula, between the little towns full of quaint shops and local artists, we find the beaches. This is where we most want to be.

It’s about the blues of the sky, the pale sand, the smooth gray stones, the green of mosses. It’s about swimming and hiking and scrambling.

It’s about sleeping on the sand, and scattering sand particles in your tent as you change into dry clothes. It’s about smelling like the lake, and the campfire. It’s about s’mores and late night coffee.

It’s about all these things, and then, it’s about us.

Family.

At the shore

August 8, 2012 § Leave a comment

This past week, we took several days of our summer to spend together as family in Door County, Wisconsin. We fell in love (again) with water and boats. Here, my mother explores Cana Island. We couldn’t get enough of Lake Michigan. (More to come!)

Small satisfactions

July 29, 2012 § 2 Comments

This weekend my sister came and we had a marvelous girls’ time. The weather cooled and we cleared our schedules for whatever we wanted to do, instead of what we ought to do.

So, we started our two days of good food and good fun with a night of arts & crafts. Elena made a yarn-covered letter “B” (the first letter of her last name), and I dug out my paints to replicate the photograph of a butterfly.

We talked as the sunset turned into dark, took a break for pie, and finished our projects with J.J. Heller and King Charles and Fun in the background. Then we admired our works with satisfaction and surprise: Look what we made!

Each of us created something new, something that would add beauty to our spaces, something that had not previously existed. This sort of activity was not uncommon for us as little girls. It occurred almost daily, and lived on our family’s refrigerator, or on our bedroom walls, or on the sidewalk outside, or perched on our dressers. We had little fear of imperfection or inadequacy, little sense of obligation to be accomplishing or completing another, more important task. We created because we liked to.

It is good to bring back these small satisfactions, to insist upon times set aside for the making of things. That thrill of creating beauty is unique unto itself. We remember that we have capable hands and important imaginations. We remember that we are artists.

Castles in the air

July 19, 2012 § Leave a comment

“There is a castle on a cloud,
I like to go there in my sleep,
Aren’t any floors for me to sweep,
Not in my castle on a cloud.

There is a room that’s full of toys,
There are a hundred boys and girls,
Nobody shouts or talks too loud,
Not in my castle on a cloud.”
-Little Cosette, Les Miserables

Do any of you ever imagine yourself in a different space or time, in a castle on a cloud, as the mistreated little Cosette does? Or build “castles in the air,” as Jo March and her sisters do in Little Women? I do – you see them here from time to time, in my perpetual dropping of that handy little word, “someday.”

Someday I will have two dapple gray Percherons with white manes in a red barn with a Christmas wreath on it. Someday I will tie my small sailboat to the end of my sister’s dock, because she will live just down the road on the lake. I will visit her lake house with my kids and she will visit my farmhouse with hers. Someday I will have copper pots hanging from the beams, and a big fireplace, and a claw-foot tub, and a very long table to seat my very best loved ones.

I am curious to know: What do you have in your castle? What are your somedays?

As much as I love to play this game, I think sometimes it makes me forget about the good real earth, the solid ground I’m standing on and how I can build castles right here. Many somedays just require my taking the time to make them come about. So. Dreamers, dream. And then, if you can, draw your castles, and your plans, adjust as you must, and start to build them from wherever you are.

Breathing spell

July 7, 2012 § 2 Comments

“I believe that the great Creator has put ores and oil on this earth to give us a breathing spell. As we exhaust them, we must be prepared to fall back on our farms, which is God’s true storehouse and can never be exhausted. We can learn to synthesize material for every human need from things that grow.” – George Washington Carver

This is a fascinating statement. Thoughts?

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